I don’t really know how to start this or how to really express how I feel. I am constantly being asked “what’s wrong?” or “whats going on in my head?”. I tend to laugh at those questions.

How do you really tell someone what is wrong or what is going on in YOUR head when YOU don’t understand it yourself?

10 years ; 521 weeks ; 3,650 days ; 87,600 hours ; 5,259,492 minutes. The amount of time spent dwelling on everything that is wrong with my life and with my head. 7 different psychologists. Countless psychiatrists, doctors, appointments, medications later and still no idea on what is wrong.

I am constantly being reminded that I am healthy, that I have a family, that I have money, a car, luxury of living in a country like Australia with access to everything. But what worth does money and access to luxury really have if you are truly not happy within yourself?

Days go by where I sit and try figure out what is wrong with me. At times I don’t dwell on the negatives and try focus my energy on what is well in my life. I think about how I have a family who support me. A roof on my head. Money. A car. But then I realise, they are all materialistic things. I kick myself everyday wondering why I’m not happy. Wondering why nothing is ever enough.

I try to fantasise a time where I was once happy. Where I had the same things as I have now (maybe even less) but I picture a happy girl. Now I am torn apart with misery and anxiety.

Every morning I wake up with a positive thought. I think about everything that needs to be done during the day. I try to focus on 3 good things in my life and not dwell on the negatives.

But every night I go to bed wondering why I’m not good enough. Wondering why I am always not being treated well enough. Wondering why I always give my love to everyone and treat everyone with respect and love and why no one ever treats me the same.

I think I’ve said enough for my first blog. I am taking this approach as a way of hopefully getting better, I’ve forgotten what better feels like. But I hope that I can take you on this journey with me to self-help and having a better, happier life.

Bye for now. All my love.